Monday 27 July 2015
Damp and cool 20 degrees
Daylight is seeping through the curtains as youngest got up at 5.45 and clumped around. Opened them to avoid going back to sleep. Had actually had a good night as I had found strange green yellow pillow under WF's bed. Sprayed it with lots of room freshener, put on two pillow cases and tried not to think why it wasn't white. WF came in and we had a hug and then he left at 6.15 and he and his lovely red hair disappeared up the road and fortunately I was too tired to leak any more tears so I stuffed things into my bags which now resembled badly behaved bricks, and lugged them downstairs. Walked leisurely to station and got early train to Barnham.
I had a twenty minute wait so had cappuccino and flap jack from an African man in a small booth on the station. In the UK for the past thirty five years. It is all work, work, work here, he commented. In African, when you are rich, you have a good life with servants who do your garden, cooking and look after you. Here, everyone works hard whether you are rich or poor, it is all the same and the hired help is ten pounds an hour. Take me with you - I miss the sun. I wonder how many people feel they are in the right place and right now. So many more are always longing for something different in some time in the future. Made me think of the mindfulness conversation with the Buddhist monk young woman on the flight out. The importance of living in the present.
Caught connecting train to Gatwick and sat in an area with lots of room for luggage and was joined by two ladies from Texas and we had a long chat and I told them that what most UK people thought they knew about Texas was formed by the 80's TV series Dallas and they said there was seaside and mountains and desert and, way back when the mother was young, they could just walk over three bridges into New Mexico and now it was far too dangerous with the drug cartels. I said there wasn't the problem with gun crime here as, in general, few of us have guns and that we stab each other instead because we do have access to knives. We all agreed that you have to be a lot more up for injuring someone to do it with a knife. They talked about mass shootings and how everyone in Texas carries a gun and the daughter said if you want to see a firing squad, just get up on a stage in a Texas theatre and draw your weapon. We laughed a lot and were stared at by the other occupants of the train who were busy texting people they already know instead of meeting new ones. Left them at Gatwick and thanked them for their conversation.
Fortunately no one insisted that I put my hand luggage into the measuring rack because I would have had to bounce on it to get it to fit. Looked at the shops and got a really nifty phone charger that would fit in my bag. More coffee then flight was called at 11 and I was boringly stuck on the aisle with no window and the woman sitting there didn't once look over into the vast blue bowl of the sky. Flight passed quickly and my heart was leaden as I stopped back into France. I have too many responsibilities. I cant bear to be parted from my children and I just cant step back on the treadmill and carry on for heaven only knows how long with this rotten job.
Telling OH what we are not going to do, I have discovered, is not a successful strategy so decide to introduce the house letting and purchasing in UK idea. If he is not up for that, I shall go back on my own and we will see how he gets on by himself over here.
Everyone else's partner was waiting eagerly for them in the arrivals lounge. Mine was outside, next to the car, and on the opposite side of a substantial concrete wall. He heaved me and the cases over it and I fell asleep on the way home. Got back and had to go down town immediately to meet renters coming to stay in little flat and give them the keys. Back home and OH informs me that I have a client tomorrow and need to make appointments and I just crack and sob for about ten minutes and say I just cant go on like this and need to be near the boys and to my utter amazement, he said he had been thinking ab out it whilst I was away and he would be up for buying a house to do up in their area, possibly on a buy to let mortgage. We could work on it over the winter and all be together at Christmas. I go from being desperate to being ecstatic. WF rings to make sure I am back OK. Still heard nothing from eldest RJ.
Examine garden and the vegetables seemed to have survived my absence. Fat green peppers, cherry tomatoes ripe, green beans, cabbage, piments and trees laden with pears, apples and nectarines.
US woman has signed the release document so the whole sorry affair is at an end and I will never have to communicate with any of them ever again.